Have you ever had to write positive words about yourself? We do it when we write our resume and express it during interviews. It's much easier if there are questions to respond to or we can put it in third party prose. Recently I have encouraged educators to complete a form that was created by Marneta Viegas, Relax Kids, with children in mind. It is an image of a flower, with "I am..." at the centre. Each petal may then be completed with a positive word describing who "I am " is. Many take it home blank to photocopy and share around. Some look embarrassed and even mutter divisive expressions that negate the experience. Many take the session and complete the flower, looking quite humbled, proud, and as though they have had a mini life lesson. Those brought up to 'love themselves' are going to find imparting this gift much easier than those who were warned against such an embarrassment. Pride may indeed be the centre of this skill - loving oneself, feeling comfortable with oneself, taking pride in oneself - and in fact may even portray a feeling of 'tall poppy' and result in teasing or bullying. It was traditionally negatively viewed as a virtue to be discouraged, as an inflated self proclaimed status.
What is often neglected in our teachings as adults to children are the necessary social problem solving skills, friendship skills and emotional literacy required to enable that level of resilience and empathy to not only nullify the negative but even encourage and inform positive change. If we look at the basic flower activity but don't have the emotional literacy to relate this for ourselves, how can we then view it in others?
If we are to take the research by Dr. Robin McWilliams, we will learn that children learn with and through social situations, and in this way, we as adults need to facilitate specific social and emotional learning experiences. Supporting this concept, the Center on the Developing Child: Harvard University, propose that Building Adult Capabilities will Improve Child Outcomes (A theory of Change). Rather in keeping with a wonderfully provocative quote by Carl G. Jung "“If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.”
Thus, pride and demonstrations of loving oneself, may indeed be a most important teaching and learning tool needing to be revisited, along with the skills to self-reflect, self-regulate and identify when it is important to support others with empathy. Much has been written in religion, philosophy and teachings that does positively support the idea of self love, as a way of life that indeed reflects how one sees and interacts in the world.
"Love one another as you would have them love you",
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
"Our own worst enemy cannot harm us as much as our unwise thoughts."
"No one can help us as much as our own compassionate thoughts."
Words, however, will only mean something when they are used in a way to involve the person hearing them. It is important to facilitate discussions, to model and explore expectations, and to positively reinforce time and time again the appropriate use of skills identified as supporting social and emotional development. Remember Jung and self-reflect before jumping to the conclusion that the child is in deficit. or should even be close to considered a bully.
The recent discussion in Australia regarding anti-bullying is very well meaning, though I would urge adults to think carefully regarding the use of the term and how bullying is portrayed and received to young ears and minds.
In an article about children and labels, the inference was that once labelled a bully, it's much harder to move away from the mindset of a bully - Labeling Bullies is Like Labeling a Child as a Permanent Mistake Maker. If the behaviour has been bullish, then the triggers, the background, the environment needs to be customised or modelled in a fashion to reduce the need for this behaviour to occur. With the state elections looming some political parties are berating opponents rather than telling us their strengths. Consider what this is teaching our children. Use it as a great way to discuss with your child how we can work together to support people who feel the need to act out or hurt others as a way to communicate their emotions. And let's support our strengths, take pride in ourselves, and last but not least, love ourselves to bits!
